10 Reasons to Support Hillary

Hillary Rodham Clinton

(AP Photo/ Alexander Zemlianichenko)

It’s abundantly clear that Hillary Clinton cinched the Democratic Party’s nomination back in June 2015 when a bunch of political insiders and lobbyist Superdelegates picked her, so it’s annoying that some other person came along to try and derail the otherwise super-democratic process by getting millions of people to support him and winning, like half, of states.

All of Bernie Sanders’s little supporters with their cute little dreams of a political process free of financial influence of mega-conglomerates and corporate lobbyists just have to suck it up and admit their tiny voices don’t matter in a political system dominated by the super-wealthy and politically powerful. Their silly dream of such extravagant things like basic healthcare, infrastructure, the right to an affordable education, and a livable environment was fun while it lasted… but get real. Unless you make 6-figures a year, you don’t deserve nice things, so get over it.

Here are the top reasons why you need to shut up and support Hillary Clinton.

1. She’s a woman, and would be the first female President, and that would be historic. Remember, you’re sexist if you don’t support a female candidate. That’s why we all rallied behind Sarah Palin back in 2008.

2. Hillary cares about all the things Bernie’s supporters care about…like Campaign Finance. You like how Bernie raised tens of millions from individual voters in small, $27 increments, and you felt that your individual contribution actually made a difference in the political process? Quaint. Hillary cares about this too, and she hates corporate money influencing politics. That’s why over the course of this election, she’s going to raise over a billion dollars through SuperPACs and corporate donors to fight Citizen’s United and the corporate influence of money in politics.

3. Hillary is basically the same as Bernie when it comes to Wall Street. Sure, she made a few $225,000 speeches to Goldman Sachs and CitiGroup, but she was basically just telling them that when she becomes President, the gravy train will come to an end. That’s why she didn’t release her transcripts, because she was afraid voters would think she was too tough on the Big Banks. So, never mind her transcripts. She would have released them if there was anything interesting in them.

4. Hillary supports gay rights. Always has, always will. Sure, she opposed gay marriage until 2013, but only because no one else supported gay marriage. She just wanted to  make sure that supporting gay marriage wouldn’t harm her politically.

5. Just like Bernie, Hillary takes a peaceful approach to foreign policy. That’s why she supported the military overthrows of Qaddafi, Saddam Hussein, and Manuel Zelaya, which has done nothing but to stabilize their respective regions. Those were bad, bad people. Yeah, I know, she lacked the foresight to see the power vacuums these topplings would create, and, yeah, it led to the proliferation of international terrorism and ISIS, but she also oversaw the transfer of $165 Billion in arms sales while SoS, to countries that supported the Clinton Foundation, which further promoted peace… because terrorists never get their hands on American weapons. She supports Israel in their fight against those pesky Palestinians, too. Unlike Bernie, Hillary has found that delicate balance between supporting the American military industrial complex and promoting peace throughout the world.

6. Hillary hates fracking almost as much as Bernie. That’s why she only supports fracking in places like the European Union, Latin America, Poland, Lithuania, Latvia, Bulgaria, Pakistan, China, India, and the United States… and she only supports it because it’s cleaner than coal, and Hillary hates coal. Unless she’s campaigning in West Virginia. She even clearly articulated how much she hates fracking during the debates. Pay attention!

7. Hillary Clinton will carry on the legacy of Obama, in all the ways we were disappointed with Obama. Hope and Change became Settle and Compromise, and Hillary plans on maintaining that legacy of ‘meh’. Just remember, since Obama took office wages have gone up dramatically. For some. Not you. But remember, it is Hillary, not Bernie, who supports a $12 minimum wage.

8. Not Trump. People love voting against someone, and who better to vote against than Donald Trump! Yeah, sure, Hillary attended Trump’s 2005 wedding, but only because Bernie declined Trump’s invite, and he had to fill that vacancy somehow. See, Hillary knows a good party when she sees one. She’s cool! Bernie: not cool. What a party-pooper.

9. Hillary is the most electable candidate. She polls at a whopping 57% of millennials in a head-to-head matchup against Trump. She received the support of a mindblowing 17% of Democrats under 30 against a grumpy old Jewish Senator who lost his hairbrush back in 1984 and never bothered to replace it. A jaw-dropping 37% of people find her trustworthy. She beats Trump in some polls! Real Clear Politics polling average gives her a comfortable 1.5% lead over Trump, whereas Sanders only beats Trump by 10.4%. Remember, the Superdelegates are there to ensure that the most electable candidate becomes the nominee.

10. Hillary supports down-ticket candidates… with money, supposedly. Remember, the only person Republicans hate worse than Obama is Hillary, so it’s imperative that Democrats and Progressives regain the House of Representatives, and key to those victories will be high voter turnout among Millennials. No one has done more to appeal to Millennials than Hillary Clinton, and those voters will enthusiastically turn out in record numbers come November to support other Democrats. Did I say appeal? Oh, I meant alienate. There’s nothing Millennials like more than to feel like their voices have been silenced by a political system that relies on Superdelegates, hoards of corporate cash, and a corporate media hell bent on discrediting Bernie Sanders’s candidacy at every opportunity.

And there you have it. 10 solid reasons to toss your ideas and beliefs aside, and vote Clinton! She’s got your back*. Oh, and if you live in California, she already won, so don’t bother to vote tomorrow.

 

 

*as long as you’re a defense contractor, Wall Street executive, movie star (excluding Rosario Dawson and Susan Sarandon), banker, Saudi Arabian prince, CEO, high-dollar funder of the Clinton Foundation, six-figure or higher campaign contributor, Donald Trump, George Soros, or a Walton.

 

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